September 25, 2007 – United Nations, New York City
KJI: North Korean Chairman Kim Jong-il
BAA: Syrian President Bashar al-Assad
MA: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
HC: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez
KJI: Alright, let’s get started here. I know we all want to get to Wolfowitz’ neo-con soiree. As you know, we all have directions through the servants quarters, as usual. If you have not signed up for the dunk tank, there is a sheet being passed around...
BAA: Don’t worry, the gang that can’t shoot straight probably can’t throw a softball, either!
KJI: I know some of you are anxious to get to Canal Street as well, so let’s keep this moving. As Old Business, I would like to thank President Chavez for his great job as Designated Clown at last year’s session. Truly a remarkable job, Hugo. That "smell of sulphur" bit was really a stroke of genius.
KJI: We also should note, I suppose. The untimely passing of our brother Saddam at the hands of the imperialist stooges in Iraq...Bashar, what’s the matter with you?
BAA: I’m sorry Mr. Chairman, (stifles laugh) please continue.
KJI: Saddam was a great hero of his people who was deposed in an illegal invasion by the Great Satan...Bashar, please!
BAA: (Laughing loudly) I’m sorry! It just sounds so funny coming from you. You were the first to suggest throwing him under the bus. Laying it on a little thick aren’t we? "Great hero"? "Brother" Saddam? I mean, please...
KJI: We all know that Saddam may not have been well liked (more laughter) or considered much of a leader on anything (guffaws, whistles), but his fate holds lessons for those who oppose United States imperialism...and...I’m sorry, I can’t do this with a straight face...
BAA: Kim, I never saw you crack a grin like that!
KJI: It’s just too funny. Saddam was such a chump.
HC: Amen, brother.
MA: I would like to discuss the UN sanctions on my country.
KJI: Hang on, Mahmoud. We’re still on Old Business. Anything else on Old Business? Alright, anyone have any New Business?
MA: Now, about those sanctions...
KJI: Too late! Now that’s Old Business!
BAA: Ha! I love that routine! Marx Brothers, Horsefeathers, right?
KJI: Nope. Duck Soup.
BAA: Of course, of course! I love that movie! (Singing) Hail, Hail Fredonia, Land of the Brave...and...Free!...
KJI: Seriously, Mahmoud, we do appreciate your serving as this year’s Designated Clown. Your schtick was beautiful at Columbia. What was that again? "We don’t have homosexuals like you do in this country." What a riot.
BAA: That’s not what my boyfriend in Tehran’s been telling me! (Laughter)
MA: What I meant was...
HC: Who cares what you mean? The Americans will spin it to make you look like a bad guy no matter what you said. Do what I do! Revel in their disdain; celebrate your target-hood! Hey, it's not all bad. You got face time with Christiana Amanpour!
MA: I would like to be taken seriously by my people and the world at large. The Iranian revolution was born of the strength of our people...
KJI: Well, good luck with that, Mahmoud. (Laughter) Look, we know our role, correct? We get to be targets of the American press, which creates a diversion and takes pressure off of our brothers in Saudi Arabia, China, Jordan, wherever. Our friends, the neo-cons, jabber and squawk but, in the end, won’t do anything. All they are interested in is creating bogey-men to stoke their military-industrial complex. Happy to serve! In the meantime, Hugo, how are those oil prices?
KJI: You better believe, bueno. The more we play the game, the more our friends prosper. And, with the Great Satan attacking each one of us everyday, our people eat it up. Anyone who rises up to challenge is automatically an American stooge. Hell, we’re set for life. I am, anyway.
MA: Oh yeah? Why don’t I feel so good?
BAA: Well, you have your own internal problems. It might work out for you. But you might want to be careful in the airport when you get back -- I’d keep an eye on that men’s room in the north terminal, if I were you.
MA: I just don’t want to left swinging in the breeze like Saddam.
BAA: Oh, we got your back, Mahmoud!
HC: Yeah, bro.
MA: Uh, OK, if you say so. Now, about those sanctions –
HC: Move to adjourn.
KJI: Alright, you guys. See you at Wolfie’s!